I heard the word “narcissist” in my early adult years and thought it meant someone that was overly confident and vain.
But boy was I wrong – there is so much more to it than that and it’s actually quite scary.
If you have not been in a relationship with a narcissist until now, consider yourself to be extremely lucky.
A narcissist thinks that they are superior and entitled, they are arrogant, self-centred, manipulative and constantly seeking admiration from others. They are so pre-occupied with fantasies of success, power and beauty. They disregard the feelings of others and lack empathy. They do not feel guilt or remorse whatsoever.
Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent – do everything their way – own everything and control everyone.
They believe that they are perfect and that you too have to be perfect and that events should happen exactly as expected, and life should play out precisely as they envision it. This is an excruciatingly impossible demand, which results in the narcissist feeling dissatisfied and miserable much of the time. The demand for perfection leads the narcissist to complain and be constantly dissatisfied with life.
Narcissists always have a story line in mind about what each “character” in their interaction should be saying and doing. When you don’t behave as expected, they may become quite upset and unsettled. You are simply a character in their internal mind play, not a real person with your own thoughts and feelings. Anything they do for you or say to you, is all role play for them, they act and do things from a scene of a movie that maybe they have recently watched.
In a normal world, a “normal” person usually gets into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Sadly, a narcissist needs people more than anyone but they get into relationships for entirely different reasons – they do not feel love and lack the ability to connect and form normal attachments. They are purely in the relationship to get their narcissistic supply from you.
No matter how much you tell a narcissist you love them, admire them, or approve of them, they never feel it’s enough – because deep down they don’t believe anyone can love them. They are empty and hollow.
Though despite this, they have this huge sense of self-importance and think that they are above and better than anyone. They are self absorbed and highly conceited. Their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others constantly seeking praise because they feel this enormous void inside of them.
But this void is always present within them and the only thing that fills it, is the love and esteem of another. The fix is always temporary though as long as they want or need it – it’s all about them.
Be warned that narcissists are completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others – they don’t care about anyone but themselves. They enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for an ego stroke or whatever need they may have to be fulfilled.
The narcissist loves to talk about themselves and don’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if they don’t agree with it, they will shut you down, you views will be dismissed, or ignored. They actually don’t care about you or how your day was, your views, your opinion – it’s all about them and them only because they know better than anyone – they think that they are smarter than everyone. Have you ever noticed that they hardly ask you how your day was ?
A relationship with a narcissist always follows three phases, the overly attentive phase, the distance phase and the letting go phase.
Once the narcissist has chosen their victim or “supply” the first phase begins.
During this first “attentive phase” the narcissist places their “victim” (you) on a pedestal. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower you with attention, affection, compliments and literally sweep you off your feet. They idolise and worship you and are full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about you constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a narcissist will ever get to feeling love.
During this phase, they are extremely charismatic, charming and persuasive. They are social and engaging and the life of the party and giving you all their attention making you feel so special and wanted.
Sadly, by this point, you are likely so caught up in all the attention and usually thinking at this point, that you have found your soul-mate. Your narcissist is exactly what you ever wanted in a partner and perhaps thinking how lucky you are that they are still single and chosen to be with you.
But then what comes next is the next phase that you never saw coming …..
This is what I call the “distance phase” and comes maybe after 2-3 months into the relationship once the narcissist is confident that they have secured your attention, love and devotion.
But during this phase, the mask comes off and the facade drops – the narcissist starts to reveal their true colours to you.
All of a sudden and without any trigger or notice, the attention they so lavishly gave to you is gone and replaced by indifference and silence. Days or weeks could go by and you won’t hear from them. They don’t return your phone calls, they don’t keep a single promise and you’re starting to suspect that they might be involved with someone else. The confused you is left baffled and confused and wondering what you did wrong to cause such a change in them. You start to look for faults within yourself, going back and trying to figure out where you went wrong – but it’s not you – you have done absolutely nothing wrong but supply the narcissist with what they wanted.
During this phase, the narcissist becomes bored very easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high they were feeding off of is disappearing and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there right ? They start to blame you for the slightest thing that may trigger them into a rage becoming so moody and so easily agitated. To maintain the facade of perfection, narcissists always have to blame someone or something else. You are the safest person to blame, because you are least likely to leave or reject them.
Then what happens is that they start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As they withdraw, you start to cling and you demand for their attention and seek to understand what’s happening but this just annoys the crap out of them. The harder you try to figure it all out, the more they pull away. They then start to blame and criticise you for everything, treating you like an emotional punching bag.
At this point, you are an emotional wreck. The narcissist has left you without any explanation and you can’t figure out how one minute you were put on a pedestal and now it’s like you don’t even exist.
You’ve probably made the mistake of trying to reason and use logic with the narcissist to get them to understand the painful effect their behaviour has on you. You think that if they understand how much their behaviour hurt you, they”ll change. Your explanations, however, don’t make sense to the narcissist, who only seems able to be aware of their own thoughts and feelings. Although, narcissists may say they understand, but they honestly don’t.
At this point, you so desperately try to find the one you fell in love with. You think you can change and help them. What you don’t realise is that that person you fell in love with never existed. It was just an act on the narcissist’s part to secure their supply for that period of time in their life.
The narcissist will take absolutely no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they have treated you or how you are feeling. You start thinking how can someone be so nasty, cruel and heartless ?
But just be reminded that the narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this “I love you”, “I love you not” charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will come in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering – because they just don’t care !
The mind games are deliberate and they will keep feeding you crumbs of attention, just enough to keep you emotionally invested and available to cater to their every need.
However, at some point one of two things will happen – either they will find a new supply and begin phase one with them and ignore you completely, or you will have had enough of their psychotic abuse and you will take control and put an end to it .. the letting go phase …
It is quite shocking to see how quickly a narcissist can discard their current supply and move onto the next. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.
You have to remind yourself that they were only with you to obtain as much narcissistic supply from you until they moved onto their next victim.
Once they leave, you will more than likely for a period of time feel like an emotional wreck constantly blaming yourself for the way things ended, trying to make sense of it all, thinking that you did something wrong at some point to trigger them, to make them leave. You want them to come back so desperately to give you another chance, you convince yourself that you can change them and that things will go back to the way they were when you first met – the initial phase.
If you are feeling this now while reading this, please believe me when I tell you that there was nothing you could have done differently and none of this was your fault. The narcissist will repeat this pattern with every person, every time – sadly you were just the supply for them for that period of time in their life.
But be warned, they will definitely try and contact you again to see if you’re still there in the event that they need a further supply from you.. Be strong and don’t give in, don’t think that they have changed otherwise you will experience the 3 phases all over again and again and again …
Sending you all strength and love ????
Have an amazing and narcissistic free 2019 everyone